Do you want to preread my book?

+11 votes
506 views
asked Aug 8, 2013 in English by Cupcake549 (31,880 points)

Now remember none of this stuff has meaning to my life.

 

Annie and  Puggie 
Chapter 1
     One day I  was walking home from a terrible day of school. Nothing went right, first when I got on the bus my best  friend Jana,  was sitting with Caitlyn, the new girl. Caitlyn is really nice but lately Jana has been obsessed with her and we have been best friends for years and she just leaves me, wow! 
       Well, sense I couldn't sit with her the only other seat was with Andrew, he is actually really nice but before I was best friends with Jana he was my best friend and everyone thought I had a crush on him.(Which I do not at all!)
      So I sat with Andrew and hoped no one saw. 
"Hi, Andrew," I said. 
"Hey Annie," he said back "Do you want to sit here?" He asked
 "Um... sure there is no other seat so okay," I replied. 
So it wasn't awquard we talked about him making the gold football team and me making the new dance team.
 "So are you still in football?" I asked. 
"Yes I am and I just made the gold team." He replied 
"Are you still in dance?" He then asked.
"Yes I actually just made he new team!" I answered. 
"Cool!" He said
And it went on like that for a while.
       When we got to school we got off the bus alone because we both agreed that we didn't want to be seen and have the whole "crush" thing again. Okay so then when I got to my class room my mom was there, oh no why is she here I thought? When she did AVIC last time she had all of us draw self portraits with pencils plain old pencils. Well you know how some moms really upbeat or fun and crazy well my mom is really boring she is plain jain mom. It is really aggravating.
   "Hey baby," she said. "Hi mom, uh what are you doing here?" I asked. " I am reading you guys a book about kids nowadays and  how they have changed!" She answered. I just went straight to my chair. OMG why is she  volunteering to spend more time with me when she complains at home she doesn't have enough alone time? She is such a hypocrite! My teacher then called us all to go and sit on the carpet  and them she pulled out this... 
    What the heck is that what I think it is? She now has a tiny little book that probably had a million pages. Gosh mom, first she introduced her self as Mrs. Miles so that everyone knew that the kookoo person here is my m o m. "Hi everyone I am Mrs. Miles an today we will be reading a book about how kids have changed!" She said. Then she opened the little book and started on page one, and started reading. "Today's topic is childhoods changing throughout the years when we were kids we had a to....." I lost her right about there, she was reading a book meant  for adults written by someone like Dr. Oz. It was not meant for children.
    When she finished reading the first chapter she had been reading for an hour and thankfully she had stopped because all the kids in my class were zoned out! "Alright guys I have to stop here because my time is up. Sorry I know you want me to continue but I can't and if you want to read more the book is called  Child Life Changing, have a great day!" She said.
Do you guys have any pointers?


5 Answers

+1 vote
answered Aug 13, 2013 by whizkid (63,910 points)
edited Aug 13, 2013 by whizkid
 
Best answer
I really like the natural conversation at the beginning. It made me feel like I was on the bus with you and listening in on things. Keep going. Maybe have someone help you with punctuation and spelling, but that is just minor. Focus more on active conversation and less on descriptions. You have a real talent when it comes to writing. Don't worry too much about taglines. Some of the best authors just use "she said" and "he said" most of the time. You don't want the taglines to get in the way of the story.
commented Aug 13, 2013 by Cupcake549 (31,880 points)
Thank you so much! I am very greatfull to have all you guys helping me write this story!
commented Aug 14, 2013 by mathgeek36 (41,110 points)
Thanks and the pleasure is all ours!!
commented Aug 15, 2013 by Cupcake549 (31,880 points)
Great!!!!!
commented Jul 21, 2014 by arkzo (401,950 points)
great answer.
+1 vote
answered Aug 13, 2013 by AlterCinto (5,250 points)
Well, so far what I've noticed is that you use "said/replied" a lot, and not many actions tacked on to the end of your sentances. It's good to vary your sentance structure, like you have a good mix of short and long sentances but their construction is pretty similar.

It's also a little confusing to read, I get what you're saying but I think it would help to have more punctuation, maybe italicize the thoughts instead of having one continous thing where the reader has to assume she's thinking.

You might also want to have a different start than "One day I was..."

Other than that, you're off to a good start! :3 Keep it up!
commented Aug 13, 2013 by Cupcake549 (31,880 points)
What made you confused?
commented Aug 13, 2013 by mathgeek36 (41,110 points)
AlterCinto is probably confused because you have a lot of run-on sentences. I can explain to you what that is if you want!
commented May 3, 2014 by Cupcake549 (31,880 points)
reshown Aug 2, 2014 by kidzsearch
I will change that! I actually am still writing the book!
commented Jul 21, 2014 by arkzo (401,950 points)
good answer.
0 votes
answered Aug 13, 2013 by mathgeek36 (41,110 points)
edited Apr 2, 2017

Did you write this? I like the storyline.

There are some spelling + grammar mistakes, and I can point those out to you if you want. You have a lot of run- on sentences which means that your sentences keep going on and on and on. That's probably why AlterCinto is confused. I agree with both AlterCinto and Whizkid on all that they said. Vary your sentence structure!! Also, reread you first chapter out loud to yourself, and you will see the mistakes you have.

I love your story and I think it will be a great book when it is finished. Can you give me a copy when it's done??

Hope this helps!! cool

commented Aug 13, 2013 by Cupcake549 (31,880 points)
I can try but if you live in California (your profile says) I don't live near you but I will post it!
Thank you for all of your compliments and help I will give credit to all of you guys in my book!
commented Aug 14, 2013 by mathgeek36 (41,110 points)
I do live in CA, but I made up the other stuff in my profile like my name and the city. But, i would be glad to help you!!
commented May 3, 2014 by Cupcake549 (31,880 points)
Thanks!
commented Jul 21, 2014 by arkzo (401,950 points)
good answer.
0 votes
answered Mar 4, 2015 by arkzo (401,950 points)
I luv it.
0 votes
answered Mar 21, 2015 by GymnastPower (34,640 points)

I like this book, other than one thing, it starts out as a book I have already read that has been published. The conversation that happens first is like in a book I read, Everyday Angels : Last Wishes. The conversation is between Annie and Andrew, but in the book I read it is between Mikayla and her old friend Alex.

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