Silens I Chapter 18
This is the last breath I breath, the last moment that I see, the last breath. I've never figured out how to love, living all this pain is all I know. You never notice, but I chose this. I'll miss the joy that it brought, or at least that's what I thought it was. I try to hide, telling myself I'm okay, that's what they say. I just want to let this pain go, but I don't want to let go of you. How can I leave it all behind? How? How can I live if all I'm living is pain? Is this lie just insane? I live this live alone and I say that it's alright, I'm fine. I'm fine. I could die any moment, and you stand there? Words that are unable to fill your mind? Are you dead? It seems like you've lost every state of mine. I rush through this alone. I don't know where to go. I want to end this. I'm a coward to see I'm okay, that I don't want to end it all right this moment. I'm unable to say I need help, that I have pain. I wish it would stop. Stop it all. It's like I don't even try, but if I try so hard. If I just try. Try. Maybe I'll learn how to let go. I keep saying over, I'm not sober. I let you in and you judged me, you stabbed me in the back. I let you in to see my mind, my suffering, my pain, my regret, my lies. And I messed up. It hurts. It hurts. I thought I was normal, I'm not 'normal', I'm not going to let the pain flow out and never come back. I've left joy. I just want you to see, not just judge me, it's all you ever do. You'll be okay, you'll be fine. But what about me? Do it for me. How do I wake up everyday? How do I breath? How can you see? Understand this hurting? I'm not different. I'm just a bank paper. No one to help me write this story, all I have left. A blank paper to weak to be written on, just being ripped. I want to be a painting. But how? But how? I'm a victim playing dead, living my life based on what they said. It makes me feel weak inside. Like I only try to hide. Promises are just broken lies, liars that can't say that don't want to do this anymore, they just want to hit the floor, lifeless. With no breath in their body, their eyes wide open, but not able to see anymore. Everyone dies, but no one knows it like I do. Everyone loses it, loses it all. I needed you, but you didn't need me. I helped you, but didn't do the same, and I'm the only one that needs help. You did this to me. But I don't hate you. I don't spend every breath hating you. Every time I picture myself, I don't want to, it's not a choice, but I picture myself dead. I've messed up everything. Haven't I? I want to lose it all, but some people don't have the choice to lose this, but I have to...it's the only way I'll be happy. It's the only way I'll picture myself laughing. I mean nothing. Nothing. Nothing. That's all I am. Nothing. I was screaming, but you didn't see me. Notice me. I'm locked inside a prison of my own mental state, my own hate. Nothing matter to me anymore, I've torn it all away and I wish that was a lie, out of all of it. All my lies that I spent all my time on. I spent my life faking a laugh and making tears fall down. Sometimes I don't want it to end, I can't let go of it. I know I should, it was where I stood alone on the side of life, pushed away to the side in the darkness. I was doubted and called heartless. I'm not "better", and I know you wish I was, but I'm not. I want to stop it all, I want to be the one to stop breathing. To stop seeing. I can't that all I see is a mirror with no reflection, no perfection. It kills me. I kill me. This is my life. My lie. What I had to deal with. My prison cell. I want to tell you how much it hurts, but I can't find help. All you'll ever do is push me in a lake of my own tears. My own fears. Leave me alone, please go. I don't want to do this anymore, do you know? I'm all alone? Love, if you loved me why'd you leave me? Bleed me? I march this path alone, for all I know. I need you, and I need you to need me back. Tell me all the things I lack. Make me laugh. Liar. You made a promise. You lost it. It. My faith, my hope, my love, my emotion, my hate, my anger, my sins. I'm helpless. All I have left is myself. And I'm about to let that leave soon too. I'm a murderer of myself. I'm my own death. I'm the one that left. The one that wasn't strong enough. The one that didn't need love. I did this. It's all my fault. I'm already broken, what's the point in breaking me more? Closing the door? Unable to let them be? Let them see? I'm pointless.
"Tom," I closed my eyes, the pen in my hands, twisting my fingers around the tip. "Yes?!" I snapped, my pen dropping my my hands, as I opened my eyes slowly. "We better go to the-" I stopped Lucas running on the end of mouth, "I know!" I picked my old, dusty book up from where it silently slept, on the end of the table in the middle of the dorm.
"We better go," he said silently, slowly walking down the room, with his head tilted down. "I know, Lucas!" I yelled, but it was clear he was much to far away to hear me. "I better go," I said to myself, drowning my thoughts on my mother. She was always so kind, I never deserved it. It's just me. Me. I slammed my hands on my desk, in utter frustration. I packed my book in my bag, and some sweets along with clothes.
I walked slowly, alone down the dark halls. I rubbed my eyes, but it wasn't because I was tired, something else. My bag was rather small, it was unnerving, almost. Finally, I was by a pit of people, while pushed through them, rudely. I rolled my fingers through my bleach blond hair, while people stared at me with smirks on their faces. None of those people I knew, or seen before. It made me seem rather lonely, I guess.
I saw some people, their eyes rolled. I rushed to a familiar faces, Asia and Lucas chatting. I rushed over, with an quick glare from the two. I sighed, holding my bag firmly in my hand. We watched the train rush off to our stop, as we all hopped on.
This is Gem's part (Chapter 17), so please read that if you haven't.
We had a decently long train ride, and there was news announced that Asia would be staying with us for our break. Lucas was rather happy, but I didn't care much about it.
This is so short! LOL I will make the other chapters after Gem's longer! I PROMISE!