The Story of Emily Grace: Chapter Eight: Maya's POV

+8 votes
asked Feb 8, 2019 in Other by Overcomer of Dark (8,160 points)

This chapter will be told by Maya, DEAL WITH IT 

        I woke up, got ready for school and my mom drove m to school. I didn't see Emily anywhere, she had been missing a couple days, I started to get worried. Did she get into another fight? I started walking to my first class, but Monica and her friends started bullying me since Emily wasn't around. They beat me up. I went on to my class when they left. They beat me up whenever they got the chance, it was like that for a couple days.

       But, after those few days Emily came back, she seemed different. She seemed, sadder. I walked to her and asked what was wrong, but she just told me to go away. I wanted to help her, but she wouldn't let me. I tried to hang out with her but she would walk away. She started becoming more distant with everyone, not just me. She rarely spoke.

       Then I asked her in the hall one day, if she was okay, she didn't say "Im fine" like she always did. "You know what? No. I'm not okay, Maya. Maybe you could see that better if you weren't so wrapped up in your perfect little life where you are liked by everyone. Maybe, you would know if you had gone through what I've had, that I'm not anywhere near 'okay and I'm not gonna be. So just go away and leave me alone, cause you don't know what it's like." Is what she said. She snapped at me. I left her alone, that's what she had wanted to be. Alone.

Maya's POV of after Emily had come back a few days after the flashbacks. Emily doesn't seem normal... can Maya help? Or will Emily push everyone away? Read the next chapter tomorrow to fine out! (Yeah, DEAL WITH THE CLIFFHANGER SUCKERS! JK JK JK), THX Y'ALL FOR READING!

3 Answers

+1 vote
answered Feb 8, 2019 by Queeny (130,410 points)
Best answer
This book is great! But, if you don't mind, maybe a could offer a bit of constructive criticism? Your grammar and spelling's fine, only a few small typos, but I've noticed that your writing lacks sensory language or detail. In the sentence, "Monica and her friends started bullying me." you could've added detail into the sentence to make it more vivid, and indulge the readers into your book more. Without it, the sentence just appears flat. I suggest using more sensory language and active voice, it'll help a lot. Another thing I want to point out is your character, Monica. I'm not saying she's a bad character but... there are quite a few holes in her. When I read about her she doesn't seem any more special then other bullies I can easily find in a normal book, she doesn't seem to add anything new to the plate of other villains. She seems kind of like a cookie cutter character, as if she only exists to cause drama. This isn't a very good way to have your character seen, unless they are extremely minor. She appears several times through out your book, so that's why I'm criticizing  her. She isn't the main character, but she contains a certain amount of significance to the book. Villains and bullies are just as important as main characters in my opinion, without them the book would have no plot or conflict, making it boring and undesirable to read. Monica has no reasons or motives for bullying, at least not any revealed yet, making her seem solely there for the purpose of being a "mean girl". One last thing, is that your chapters seem rather short. I'd say an average sized chapter is around 1,000 to 1,200 words. You don't want to make them incredibly long, or you'll bore your readers. But you don't want to make the short either. I hope this helped! I hope I didn't come off as rude! Your doing a good job, keep writing!
commented Feb 10, 2019 by Overcomer of Dark (8,160 points)
I have realized most of these. As for short chapters, i dont normally have much time to write which is why mist are so short. I will try a bit more sensory language in it. As for Monica, i can look into her a little more. Thank you for the constructive criticism, i will try to fix that a bit.
commented Feb 10, 2019 by Queeny (130,410 points)
Great! Can't wait for more chapters! I really like this so far!
+1 vote
answered Feb 10, 2019 by im kanye (374,590 points)
I think you did a great job, Luna!
+2 votes
answered Feb 8, 2019 by cookie122105 (75,620 points)
good Job

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