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The story of Ari {intro}

+7 votes
152 views
asked Mar 1, 2019 in Fiction by cookie122105 (75,620 points)

No coping my story i made my self { I will explode if u do }

By cookie122105

                                     The story of Ari

      

"Get out the house Ari  fast" said her mom. " No mom can't go without   you "       screams Ari. Then the house  fell down but luckily Ari was outside the house  but her mom did  not make it. As she scream for help as  the fire depart came. Ari screams "Noooo!" while watching the house burn.

should i make epds 1 ??? u tell me #clifhanger

 

     



2 Answers

0 votes
answered Oct 20, 2020 by cookie122105
cringes
+1 vote
answered Mar 2, 2019 by im kanye (374,590 points)
Good job! But I noticed a few errors, if you don't mind me fixing them.

After a quotation, you must put a comma our a another abbreviation; but, you must not leave it empty. For example:

"Get out of the house Ari, fast!"

There are many places that are missing a comma, or you didn't even use any commas. There's not any sensory language, it's sort of bland in your result. It moved to quickly without anything to hold it together.

Another example I want you to take into consideration:

"Ari screams, 'No!' while she watched the house in flames burn down in dust."

You don't have to include the same sensory language, but you get what I mean. Also, a chapter is usually 1,000 words. You only included one paragraph. I noticed this is a intro, but even then it is shorter than usual. But still, keep up the good work!
commented Mar 2, 2019 by cookie122105 (75,620 points)
Thanks
commented Mar 2, 2019 by im kanye (374,590 points)
NP!

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