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The Silent Angel

+7 votes
76 views
asked Mar 24, 2019 in Fiction by SewingHedgies101 (5,870 points)
I used to be a 12 year old girl.I had nerdy friends and crush!I excelled in math and astronomy.I liked baking and drawing maps of unknown places.Until.......it all ended.Th..the portal of silence sucked me in.I couldn't speak after that.My mom took me to a specialist.She said I just had a cold and gave me some medicine.But is wasn't just a cold, it was a curse.After weeks and weeks of my mom calling me ungrateful for not saying thank you after my meal she sent me to my friend, Nia's house to teach me a lesson.I don't recall when but I ran as fast as I could to the.forest and fell i could feel blood running down my face like wind.     That is the end of chapter one! I hope you enjoy!comment if you want more!


2 Answers

+1 vote
answered Mar 25, 2019 by im kanye (372,930 points)
I love it!
+2 votes
answered Mar 25, 2019 by -GEMHeart- (283,710 points)
Good, but you should lengthen it. Make it more drawn-out and meaningful, without that much description. Here's a rewritten version I did as an example (dialogue and action-packed):

 

"'And it's finished!" I exclaimed, leaping out of my chair. I had recently finished my latest map, of the unknown area I liked to call (name here). I couldn't wait to show it to Nia, my friend, who appreciated my maps and liked my imagination.

That memory seemed a lifetime ago, when I was a nerdy, whimsical girl with an eye for math and the stars. I had a normal life, friends, and a crush, and I liked baking and making maps, as you've seen. But that all stopped, the day I received a curse from an unknown entity, one that rendered me without voice.

My mother noticed, she took me to a doctor who said I just had a cold and needed medicine. They didn't know the secret behind my lost voice, and frankly neither did I. Weeks and weeks passed, mostly involving my mother getting enraged by my lack of "thank yous" at dinnertime... before long, striving to teach me a lesson, she sent me to Nia's house. I ran so fast to the forest that the memory is a blur, and the blood, warm blood, rushed to my head as tears streaked my face.

What was going on?"

 

Of course, just a suggestion, you keep going however you like. I like the concept.
commented Mar 30, 2019 by SewingHedgies101 (5,870 points)
Thx you so much!!!!the example was delightful to read thx again!!!!
commented Apr 1, 2019 by -GEMHeart- (283,710 points)
Thank you. ;)

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