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NEW STORY! Danger Over Walls ( First 2 chapters)

+12 votes
2,090 views
asked Apr 21, 2015 in English by GymnastPower (36,980 points)

             Danger Over Walls

I lean against my chair. Carefully, I slip a peek. The coast is clear. Soon I find myself headed out of the house's comfort, I pick up my bike.  It's 10 miles on bike, so I already have the basics. I had water, food, and a phone. I am going to make a stop at Diversity Street, to pick up Fernana, the dog. After 5 minutes of gravel roads I arrive at Fernana's prison. Unlocking her gate, she eagerly sprints out. I have everything I need.

 

CHAPTER TWO   

Fernana is only a puppy, she wouldn't weigh 8 pounds if I weren't feeding her. She is small for a golden retriever, the so called caretaker had abused her after she was born. She was barely a 8 grams at birth, the caretaker had no intentions of helping the puppy grow. I did some research on Fernana, and found out when she is an adult, she will be the size of a normal newborn puppy. I place her in the basket In front of the handlebars. Soon, she is fast asleep.



3 Answers

+1 vote
answered May 13, 2015 by GymnastPower (36,980 points)
 

OMG OVER 100 VIEWS! THANKS! THERE WAS ALSO A PROBLEM WITH PEOPLE COPY THE STORIES. THIS IS MY WORK. I WILL REPORT ANY STOLEN WORK.

+1 vote
answered May 5, 2015 by SnoWolfPretzelz

You worked hard on this, I can tell. You really put in a lot of effort. I will make sure to give you a shout-out on my kidzsearch blog.

<3,

SnoWolfPretzelz

commented May 10, 2015 by GymnastPower (36,980 points)
I fellow writer! <3 <3 xoxoxoxoxo I'll read your newest story!
0 votes
answered Apr 23, 2015 by arkzo (424,580 points)

I do not get the " She was barely a 8 grams. I also do not get " I place her in the basket In front of the handlebars.I do not get " Fernana is only a puppy, she wouldn't weigh 8 pounds if I weren't feeding her."

 

3 stars out of 5.

commented Apr 23, 2015 by arkzo (424,580 points)
I will tell you why:

 

Barely a does not make sense. You could say " She was barely 8 grams at birth."

I place her in the basket In front of the handlebars. It has capitalization issues. It has to be like " I place her in the basket in front of the handlebars."
commented May 2, 2015 by GymnastPower (36,980 points)

This is only a draft. And if you are going to rate it, you might as well consider the fact that its not a bullet-proof story. She was only 8 grams, she wasn't well taken care of. The sentence is correct, it just tells where the basket is. And my story does make sense to anyone is reads it and understands what is happening. A girl is leaving her house. She is picking up a puppy that has been abused. The puppy is put in a basket on the front of the bycle . And Fern weighed only 8 grams at birth, Fern was born a year ago, so that gives Fern enough time to put on some weight. It just so happens, she was 8g at birth and is 8lb. It's just a number I used to show how small she was then and now.

commented May 2, 2015 by arkzo (424,580 points)
I give it in the high 4 out of 5 now.
commented May 3, 2015 by arkzo (424,580 points)
I'm so sorry, GymnastPower.

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