I’m lesbian, just so you know. Wanted to get that out there and at least tell SOMEONE without them freaking out or making a big deal out of it.
So, I’ve had this crush for a while know. Or, at least, I’ve been aware of it. I’ve been in two nutcracker performances now, and one of them I had to ‘attack’ the crush (I was a rat, she was a doll, you know the story). Right after the performance, I started thinking about her a lot. How she thought of me, and what she was doing at that moment. The next year, when we started rehearsals for the 2nd nutcracker, I realized: I have a crush on her. This was kind of awkward, me being young and not knowing what to do. Only one problem with me crushing on her: She’s 5 years older than me. So that’s a let down. I still can’t help being attracted to her and other pretty girls, mostly older than me. Now, the others I don’t actually CRUSH on, I just think, ‘They’re pretty cute.’ None of them are her. She is beautiful, and an amazing dancer, and whenever I feel like doubting myself, I think of her. I am going to be devastated when she goes to college in a few years, but I don’t know how to stop crushing on her. It gets frustrating when I’m in ballet class and see her watching through the doorway, and I have to immediately do my absolutely PERFECT moves, and if I mess up I get angry at myself. How do I stop this behavior?!? It doesn’t feel normal anymore, and it makes me want to cry sometimes when I haven’t seen her in so long.
Phew, that was a lot of words. Sorry to make you read all that.