When I was 12, I used to be paranoid to the extreme. I had one panic attack over it. I had this major paranoia of the extreme of this Earth; like what was beyond our rounded, small Earth. What led ahead for the human species. What was more than what we saw. I have an extremely overthinking mind. I put myself in a million positions before one. Now, I still deal with paranoia and overthinking. I've always wondered what life would be if I had a calm, settled mind. I have that a lot when I'm with the Lord though. In fact, the night I had my panic attack, I was alone in my room, pacing and crying and muttering, "Tell me, if you hear this, what is out there." Now for all my life I believed in Buddhism. Jesus wasn't in my mind AT ALL. But after my panic attack I went to sleep, and the next morning the world was light and the sun was bright. And I could hear the birds singing and the wind tuning. The sun's fresh white light projecting onto my bed. How the dust particles danced in it. That little detail of how the morning breath sounded will forever be implanted in my mind. And that morning, as I awoke, I became a Christian. I have no idea what came across me, I cannot remember how I was so far to so close. That's one of the miracles our Father will keep. I am in debt, because now, I am at total peace. I haven't felt mentally ill in such a long time. All my family as mental illness, I was bound to have it, but despite having it, I overcame it. I, not me, no, not me at all.
I am not interested in knowing my mental illness, nor am I treating it with help from people that don't care about me, or worse, pills. The best you can do with mental illness is settle your mind and spirit. Find your conviction first. Trust me when I tell you that obsession with your mental illness binds you to it more. Free yourself from it. It is possible.
