I’ve been inactive lately, apologies.
#1: So, after like 3 weeks, Silver messaged me again. Idk if he’s reading this rn, if so, hi, if not, eh whatever, I just need to vent. I sent him like, what, 6 messages asking where he was? This time, I wasn’t too worried, bc he did say anything abt suicide, so I couldn’t immediately jump to conclusions. Anyway, the main thing is, if you have any intention to stay, or make it seem like that, please do so. Cause now I’m questioning my relationship. And Ik it’s stupid, but if he’s willing to make it work again, so am I. Although ima need to set some boundaries. First of all. No random leaving me like you just did, silver. Sometimes I’ll start worrying. This time, I didn’t, but only bc I was distracted. Second, please tell me how you’re feeling, instead of just not answering my messages. I don’t have any other contact, idk where you are, I can’t go to your house and check on you. For all I know, you could be dead. I’m completely cut off. And I don’t really like it all that much. So instead of backing out, talk to me. Communication is key. As well as honesty, too.
#2: Currently I’m in a relationship with this dude. Um. His parents voted for trump (I don’t always judge ppl off that, it’s not his fault, he apparently doesn’t do politics.) But I’m not sure if we have the same morals, like at all. We’re similar, but I haven’t told him I’m bi, and go by any pronouns, bc I’m afraid he’ll dump me since he’s Christian (he said he doesn’t really understand the religion?) We haven’t talked for a few days, bc we’re just busy and stuff. His tiktok profile pic is a blue lives matter flag, and idk why, but that feels like a bit of a red flag. Also, if he sticks with his beliefs (which is fine), we can’t exactly make it work in the future. And silver messaged me, so now I’m considering dumping him. Which I hate, bc that always happens. I end up dumping them after a week bc I’m so indecisive.
#3: I miss my bsf sm I swear. Like, this time last year, we would hang out and stuff, and text. Idk if I did something wrong, and if so, I wanna fix it. We’re not exactly enemies, but we don’t talk often. We’re both co-authors of our book, Goodmorning, good afternoon, and goodnight, (I can link the google docs if y’all want, here:https://docs.google.com/document/d/14bvCodbQi6KbcLyVACqzwiiIBZXNbvuzHrYqOrEp03I/edit lmk if it doesn’t work.) so we talk along with our other friends who are editors via email, but that’s it. I wanna start over again, but idk if they’re mad at me? Did I do smth? How can I fix it? Ik they’re on here, so Purple, if you’re seeing this, please talk to me.
#4: Today I checked kn, and I got yet another message abt suicide, saying they were gonna commit. And honestly, I have no problem with helping someone out, but a reminder that I am not a therapist, and if you need serious help, don’t come to me. And sometimes, ppl will make it seem like I’m the only thing stopping them, which is quite a lot of pressure, especially if I don’t see the message immediately. Idk if y’all realize, but suicide is a bit of a sensitive topic for me. I’ve been through it, self harm and suicidal thoughts as well, so I understand. But I feel like sometimes y’all make it seemmlike if I don’t stop you, it’ll be my fault you’re gone. And I love you guys. I’ll always be here. I just ask that you don’t make me the only person keeping y’all alive.
If you finished reading, dang that was a lot. Thanks! Feel free to give advice in the answers :)