Just a vent.

Sat, 06 Apr 2024 14:11:25 +0000

Hey, so, this is kinda awkward, as I haven't really vented on here in quite awhile. Anyways, I'm just kinda going through some stuff right now, and I'm not sure if it's very healthy.

Some of you saw on an answer earlier that I may have developed psychosis due to chronic sleep deprivation from staying up so late to complete my school work. And I don't mean sleep deprivation like "oh haha, I got 6 hours of sleep and pulled an all-nighter on Saturday!" I truly, truly mean sleep deprivation. On nights Sunday through Thursday, I never, ever, EVER get more that 4 hours of sleep. I crash and sleep all day Saturday. I have been doing this for several months now. And just these past three weeks, I have pulled at least 10 all-nighters, some of which were consecutive. And it's all just to do my school work and get good grades... Some nights I can't even finish my homework. I run out of time.

Chronic sleep deprivation as well as chronic mental and physical stress can cause psychosis, which I believe it has. I fit all of the symptoms- hallucinations and delusions are just two.

I've also been blacking out, and not knowing how I got there. I was in the shower last week, got in, and I don't remember anything after that, except for waking up sitting on the edge of the tub with my hair smelling like strawberries. I don't know what happened in between, but at least I can safely assume I just washed my hair. But I truly don't remember.

I'm so, so incredibly weak because of this. I've been losing weight, slowly but surely, because I am not used to eating for a body that is awake 24+ hours of the day. I also just had another interview for a second lifeguard job, and I had to swim 300 meters and then dive down 10 feet to retrieve a 15 lbs. brick, and swim another 100 meters with the brick out of the water. As soon as I completed these (the brick test was timed, but I made it), I got out, and I couldn't walk I was so tired and weak. So I played it off in front of the interviewer and sat for a few minutes, acting like I just had to catch my breath (nah girl, I couldn't even STAND). After those few minutes passed, I stood up and my vision went dim, and I had tunnel vision. I slowly walked to the locker room to change into dry clothes to continue the interview (the verbal part), and vomited as soon as I got in there. I then got dressed and continued the interview like nothing happened.

I'm to weak to walk down stairs. I cling to the wall and railing for dear life. I fell at school the other day as well while walking down the stairs, because the stairs looked like they were swirling. It was very awkward.

Just holding anything above 8 pounds makes me tremble and shake. Well, I tremble and shake in general, but I fear I will drop it because I am so weak. You get the idea.

I see weird things. My vision flickers, and birds that are in the yard at school look distorted. Like, they're messed up. I can't explain it, but it frightens me a little. I also hear things sometimes, like water running. But there's nothing. I also hear and feel hot air being blown into my ear, but again, there's nothing there.

I talk and laugh in my sleep (when I do get sleep, that is), and it wakes me up. Last night I woke myself up because I heard myself talking about a dog. My mom also hear me, and says it's concerning.

I truly believe that something will happen for me (delusions). Like, truly truly, and I know it's extreme. I won't get into it though.

I have also become a bit hypersensitive and paranoid.

Anyways, I know this is stupid, but I truly don't know if I can keep doing this. I've actually tried sleeping a bit longer over spring break, but the symptoms won't go away, but I don't want to see a doctor or be medicated. I'm just a little scared bros, both for me, my future, and even my job and those who come to the pool. I need these jobs, but I know I'm not fit to serve...

Anyways, thanks for listening to my rant. I know it's cringy lol. But wish me luck, I guess.

KidzTalk - Recent questions tagged mental_illness

Just a vent.