so. im back in school after thanksgiving break. i'm in advisory rn. i was just trying to get in my seat earlier and iz was right there. like right behind my chair. talking to someone. i was genuinely so tense while i pushed my chair back so i could sit down, just waiting for her to move away so i could just sit. i just wanted to sit down. and it was so painful to be so close to her, it felt like i was in fight or flight mode or something. and then she finally walks away to her seat and i sink into my seat and then i was just stuck in 6th grade again. sitting alone at the lunch table, watching her from afar as she talks to so many people and laugh and smile while i sit at a table alone. with nobody to talk to. with nothing to even smile about. not a single person liked me. i didnt have a single friend. i was in that lunchroom all alone and then my friend c asked me if im ok and it was like i was sucked back into now.
i dont know whats even wrong with me. im pretty sure its ptsd but i dont feel like what i went through was severe enough? like the worst thing that happened at that school was me getting jumped, but other than that it was all emotional. the only reason i think it might be ptsd is bc my bf who's diagnosed with ptsd told me he thinks i have it after this happened last week but when i saw is, not iz. what happened then was i was walking to 8th period, my last class, and then i saw is walk past me and i got tense the same way until he walked away, and then i was stuck in 6th grade again, practically running to my next class so i dont have to keep watching everyone talk to their friends and laugh, so i dont run into anyone who hates me, so i dont have to be seen or perceived. and then i was stuck like that the whole class, stuck in that horrible school until my teacher talked to me in the hallway. i dont know why i do this. it wasnt even that horrible.
after that incident i was able to talk to my boyfriend, relax, get myself out of that state eventually. now my boyfriend is in the hospital so i cant talk to him at all until he calls my mom. and i have to wait until the evening for him to call me bc i have school in the morning. i dont even know what to do, who to talk to. i have plenty of friends now and im not being bullied anymore and i have a therapist but im never the first option for any of my friends, and i cant see my therapist until 6pm and then i dont see her for another week.
anyways theres my yap. ok bye.
