Hey. I just want to start by saying I'm sorry about your loss. I couldn't imagine losing my mom, and even worse my family trying to forget about her. Its no wonder that you aren't okay.
Id like to give my advice, if you'd let me.
I don't know much about BPD, but I know its hard. It affects the way you think about yourself and others. Its just your brain chemistry. My advice to you, is to try journaling, or some other form of expression. It can help you numb your mind for a bit, while giving you something to focus on. If you want, you can try Neurographic Art. Its helped me a ton whenever I was feeling out of my mind. I say go on walks. Try to avoid talking about this topic with your family, its the only way to preserve your mental state. If you can, try talking with a school counselor, however, don't just tell them everything the first session. Start with telling them things your family knows.That way, if they do contact them they wont find out anything new. Do this a couple times to ensure your safety. After that, you can start telling them more. This is coming from personal experience. in the case that it isn't safe to talk to your counselor about it, buy a journal or a sketchbook of some sort. Fill the first couple and last couple pages with drawing or agenda-y type stuff. Then, when you want to vent, flip to a page in the middle of the book, that way its harder for anyone who gets ahold of it to find wat you wrote. To hide it, hide it in plain sight, such as a bookshelf with books or anyother such place. DO NOT, i repeat, DO NOT PUT IT UNDER YOUR MATTRESS, OR ANY PLACE OF SUCH SORT. if someone finds it, they'll know for sure your hiding something. DO NOT put it in a super complicated hiding spot, as it'll be hard to hide it quickly if someone were approaching your room while your writing.
That is all. Stay strong, stay safe, and know that you are loved and appreciated.
