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When there isn’t school, I just feel bored and uncomfortable. When there is school, I feel sad and lonely even though I am around more people than when I’m at home. It feels weird calling my friends “friends” for some reason. Just saying that I have friends feels weird. I don’t know any of my friends very well, and I sometimes feel like they don’t want me around, which I am pretty sure is untrue but my brain likes torturing me. People at school joke about depression and su*c*d3 and just talk about it in a way that bothers me. Like treating it like something that people don’t suffer from. They tell each other to g*v3 up 0n l*f3 in a joking way and it just bothers me. They call a fictional character a bum for not wanting to go to a party. Sure, it was a fictional character, but it still bothers me. All of that makes me suffer more. I want to ask my friends for help. Two of my friends are depressed and had tried to k*11 themselves before. One time, one of my friends was feeling very depressed and when they tried to tell another one of my friends, his reaction suggested that he probably just thought it was a joke. People don’t take mental health seriously enough. I often think that everyone else suffers like I do, but then I realize they likely don’t. In my head, it’s weird to not suffer. To enjoy life fully. I wish things get better for me. I’m tired of all this. I miss back in October, I was in a play, I had gotten to know my friends better, for halloween, I went trick-or-treating with them, we ended up having a last-minute sleepover and stayed up until 3 am watching horror movies and playing games. Things were just better. Simpler. Sure, I still suffered some then, but no where as much. It’s mostly just recently that I have been suffering quite this much. I hate it when the weather’s nice because then I remember when things were better and I get sad that things aren’t that nice anymore. I feel unmotivated a lot. Listening to some songs made me remember walking to the bus stop, going to the library and then walking to my rehearsal. Theater forced me to get out of my house more. I didn’t get into the last 2 shows I auditioned for. The first one, the assistant director liked me, but the main director probably just pre-cast all of his friends and stuff. My dad said he overheard them say that they were considering me for the lead role. The second play, I auditioned just for fun and I knew there was no way I was getting cast bc I am a child. Not being in a play probably took a toll on my mental health. I just want things to improve. I need help.
If you read this entire vent, you get a gold star! I just really needed to vent.
