Space Soda

Question

❯❯❯❯ This story has been ➡ updated ⬅.

I'm only leaving the first draft as material for the story club ᝰ.ᐟ

           SPACE SODA 

At the night school, it was natural for Alice to wonder what she was doing there

The class was about to start and everyone was taking their places, staring at those ceilingless tin roofs time begun to slow down

Next to her, the seat was empty, her friend Aisling was not here yet, and for some reason this made her increasingly weary about that moment as if some sort of calamity was to break the apparently peaceful calm and she was left alone to face it.

Ever since she got to that far away rural town, she never felt so at the jungle, Aisling had help her with the language of the locals, getting used to the surroundings and overcome the apparent fog and disorientation she constantly struggled with.

Quickly, she begun looking amidst the crowd and the twirling lights for a familiar face. It was clear that boy named Endri looked at her with appreciation and a genuine care since day one but she had been to aloof to realize, now it was like she knew him from forever.

Alice raised her sight to him, not attempting to hide how lost she felt she extended her hand to Endri and he instinctively grabbed firmly but calmly at the same time.

-Its going to be ok- he said

Screams broke into the room as panic danced among the students and hysteria took over. There was fire outside, and it was quickly consuming the school

Some people were leaving the classroom, as the impending threat of the fire consuming it with everyone inside was imminent

Alice held tightly onto Endri’s hand as they rushed across the faceless in motion crowds.

The checkered yellow and brown floor and the ocean of legs and shoes was beginning to overwhelm her but the pull of his hand reminded her to raise her sight and look forward to escape the nightmare.

- Where do we go? – Alice muttered just before she noted Endri was quick to spot there were two kinds of light, the orange fiery one and an intensely blinding to look at white light coming from some of the ceilings.

-Follow the white lights!- He said firmly, the rooms with that light for some reason were not being consumed and they seemed to lead a providential path out of the panic, fire and fear. Down into a staircase and what appeared to be a small cleaning staff basement.

A black man quietly signed them to seat down and be quiet, as if being quiet for some reason muted the rest of the noise and it did.

The room was much larger than it first appeared, but it was so dark it was hard to tell its bounds, a small round table with an old black telephone was highlighted by a hanging yellow lamp

She called the first number she remembered.

Somewhere a phone rings. It seemed to interrupt a conversation between three office workers and one of them was taking notes.

-mh… yes.. a fire.. a basement, is Martin with you?- a women hanged the phone. -It’s them, they say a fire stormed in night school and are sheltering with a man named Martin in a safe staff room-

Her coworker was quick to dismiss the tale.

- Don’t believe anything they say, those kids just had a space soda at recess.

Answer 1

Hmmm. My interest is piqued! I wonder how Alice even manged to have a space soda(if she did)? Or are the staff just wanting to calm the situation down by being dismissive? What even is space soda? I hope Aisling is okay, Alice seems to really need her 

I look forward to a chapter 2 :D

Comments

It was the space soda trials on a rural town of a "lesser developed" country ꉂ(˵˃ ∩∩ ˂˵)

Answer 2

At times like this I wonder where @RandomInternetWriter and @House of Gryffindor! are.

Wherever you are. You were my main inspiration to write a short story on kt

Comments

Aw, thanks. :)

That helped make my morning, ngl.

Yeah, right now I've been taking a mental health break and tbh, I'm probably not going to be back completely...ever. I'm turning 16 soon.

Some tips for writing:

• If a disaster happens in your story, describe it a bit more, not only just the screams. Talk about what the flames create just with the fact of being there: heat and smoke. With heat, describe it based on how close the characters are (up close: unbearable/smoldering. A bit of distance: dangerous warmth. Far away: don't mention the heat so much as describe the flames, dancing on or engulfing something. I suggest watching campfire videos or go camping yourself so you can properly watch the flame and really know how to describe it.
• Also, when describing people, be careful around how you describe race (if necessary at all). Typically, authors would advoid mentioning race unless it's important to the story (like celebration of a culture. Let the readers infer the race if it is needed). Claiming "a black man" in the middle of a story with no provided context can cause a bit of controversy because why you singling out this random guy's race for fo reason? You didn't do that with anyone else.

Oveall, I like the idea and vibe of this story. Cool world :)

[Personally, I would make a sistering series that isn't a sequel but in the same world with a similar vibe connecting them. Don't call it out, but maybe mention space soda when a kid is going through a fridge or mention the school fire offhandedly playing on the news. (Unless it never happened at all.)] Overall, it's your world/your work, your choice. These are all just suggestions. Take them or don't. Goodluck typer. :)

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thank you for reading the story and providing throughout feedback!

I hope before you leave you can help me fan the flames of a little story club here on kt.

I'm not talking full dedication, just good old butterfly effect 

The literary challenge I took with this one was writting something that felt like a dream without loosing itself on abstraction

So for the fire I took on the challenge of having the reader feel like Alice in the sense she couldn't pin point precisely what was going on.

But you are right at some point I could have described the look of the flames or the absence of cues about the disaster, and the overwhelming incertitude about not knowing why people was panicking. 

And for point two, in this case it was very important he was black, I wanted to imply they saw Saint Martin of porres without explicitly mentioning it was him

You would help me a lot of if you can leave me a sentence or a paragraph describing this guy without cutting the flow of events, he wouldn´t be wearing the robes but modern day particular clothing 

I also feel the need for help in the last scene, I couldn't find a spot for any description of the office the workers or the enviorement they were in but I felt it was needed

I just didn't know how lead one thing into the other without feeling like I randomly started talking about something else or taking a hit on the pace.

Again thank you and consider dropping by as editor, influential writer of sorts, every now and then, that is something even an adult could be colaborating in yk 

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To build create a reference to a powerful/magical religious figure there's 3 main things you need to do

1. Keep an effect in mind: depending on whether a demon of the 9th layer or an angle of serenity, decide  what presence and what atmosphere would that creature create. Idk much about Saint Martin but I'd start off with probably a calming effect. Have the children, once seated, to immediately have their heart rates begin to slow. As the man gestures to be quite, the noise from the world around them begins to fade away.
2. When describing them, give them traits of things that are associated with them. Martin de Porres is typically associated with safety and comfort so describe his clothes similarly without drawing to much attention to it. Talk about how they dressed unlike the other adults instead wearing loose, comfy, clothing. Mention his beaded necklace that hung loosely around his neck.
3. Mention the name. Names hold power no matter what religion. Leave room for interpretation, so it neither conforms or denies. In this story, I'd probably put a plaque on his desk reading Prf. Martin or Dr. Martin or something like that.

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I feel like you did a great job with the whole dream(?) story genre.

If you're going for the effect of "might not be happening" then I'd then suggest mentioning instead of the warmth of the fire, the lack of. ("as the fire wrapped the walls around them, Alice couldn't help but feel cold because she left her jacket in the classroom")

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When writing an environment, depending on how hard the characters are looking it creates how much you can describe the area in 1 paragraph.

 Rushing: 1 maybe 2 things that directly affect your characters ([Name] runs through the past the tress, the spotches of sun blinds her momentarily, but she doesn't stop running.)

Walking/casual: 3-4 things that describe the area (As [Name] walks through the noon forest, they can't help but to smile at the crinkle of leaves under their feet. The air is fresh, though a bit chillier then expected.)

Inspecting: 1-2 small things (engravings on jewelry) for an object. If a room, cover only important or common things (desks, drawers, a folded note with the initials Y.N. written on the front)

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How I would wite the ending:

"-Follow the white lights!- He said firmly, the rooms with that light for some reason were not being consumed and they seemed to lead a providential path out of the panic, fire and fear. Down into a staircase and what appeared to be a small cleaning staff basement.  [end this paragraph, delete last sentence]

Alice and Endri decend the stairs into the room bellow, the screams still filling their heads. They open a door at the bottom and enters. They are met with a dim room that's shadows hides the walls, making it seem endless. The mop bucket on the floor gave indication that this room belongs to the janitorial staff, with a lady at a desk cracking away at a computer. Someone else clears their throat.

To their right, a darker skinned man dressed in casual clothes gestures for them to take a seat at his desk and calm down. Alice and Endri do.

They began to explain what happened to Dr. Martin, according to the plaque on his desk. -There's a fire!- Alice exclaims. Dr. Martin doesn't respond, but the lady behind them is quick to dismiss the tale like she's heard it 100 times already.

-Don’t believe anything those kids say. Those kids probably had space soda during recess.-"

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Hopes this all helps!!

I'll try writing more for Kidztalk to help out with the book club thing :)

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It does! ty for taking your time and leaving this feedback ( ∩´͈ ᐜ `͈∩)

I loved those tips you give that apply to the situations in general

The ending is a little different though I don't know if I was at fault in the clarity department but your feedback does really help me write it more clearly.

Martin is in the room with dim lights and a phone

Alice calls the only number she remembers (for more dreamlikeness altered stateness)

the people taking the notes for this experiment are in another room, this office is simultaneously introduced as the place that receives the call Alice did.

if it was a movie you would cut to an office, and then the phone rings.

The man who tells the others not to worry knows more about the experiment and tells his coworkers is just one of those space soda trial kids, nothing to worry about. 

For them even the man named Martin is part of their "tale" and is not supposed to be there, but is implied hes basically watching over them during their experience.

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@Grizz

You may want to read the feedack gryff ley me

This is the kind of interactions we can only have when we dare to share even if it isn't perfect already

Is part of the process of perfecting our craft

And not only it will lead to perfection but is also a journey itself that can be enjoyable in its own right (˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶)

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I left you a pm (kt is a bit iffy for giving notifications for pms)

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I replied to it (ya pm nottifs work in misteryous ways)

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I wrote the second cycle with the feedback. ✎ᝰ.

Now I'm debating if editing this post and re-categorize in our brand new story club or make a new post all together (˶˃⤙˂˶)

Reason why is that I want the process to be seen, to encourage more people to participate and if I just edit I hide the first version and is not possible to see the before and after. 

But I don't want future readers to only see the first version. 

Since multiple rewrites and versions are to be frequent, this is a work dynamic for the club being born in real time ( •͈૦•͈ ) ! 

What do you guys think ( ╹ -╹) ? 

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A solution: link the edited version up at the top of this post! 

I think it's a really cool idea 

I might actually do the same thing so I can be more active

Answer 3

my favorite soda is coke

Comments

Ty ig ╮ (. ❛ ᴗ ❛.) ╭

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Mine is cream soda