Jokes!

Question

I got into the elevator on the first floor and pressed 5. The doors closed and the elevator went up to floor 4, then down a floor to 3, then 2, before it finally went back up and stopped on the 5th floor. Confused, I walked out and it was only then that I noticed the sign on the door:

“Elevator out of order.”

Emmanuel Macron has signed an executive order to rename the US with a more fitting name

Coup d'Etats Unis

A librarian asks the new intern to dispose of books that are in a bad condition.

Later in the day he asks the intern about the books he threw away. The intern lists them, mostly pulp novels and old magazines. “Oh, and”, the intern says “there was a tattered old Bible by some guy called Gutenberg.”

The librarian can’t believe it. “Jesus Christ!”, he says, shocked, “You just threw away the first published Bible! Do you know how valuable that was?”

“Nah, couldn’t have been valuable,” says the nonchalant intern, “some dude called Martin Luther had scribbled all over the margins.”

What do cops say when a suspect pulls the dart out after being tranquilized?

Stop resisting a rest!

So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at Starbucks.

So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at Starbucks.

The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!"

They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And mathematics is just applied philosophy!"

The laughter roars even louder, and then the physicist turns to the philosopher.

"Shut the up and make my coffee."

A shark is solving a crossword puzzle

The question is: Predatory fish with 5 letters. He thanks for a while but can’t think a of a Word. Then, a barracuda swims along and the shark asks him „Hey Barracuda, what do you Call a predatory fish with 5 letters?“ The Barracuda doesn’t even stop swimming and replies „Think about yourself, dumby!“ The Shark then endlightened says „Of Course, Me! Bryan!“

"Our computer systems have been compromised!"

"Is it a DDOS attack?"

"Worse! They've reformatted our operating systems to 1981 standard!

It's an MS-DOS attack!"

Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar

Walks into a bar

They didn't planet that way

Everyone Knows Dave

Long

“Everyone Knows Dave” 

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." 
 
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" 
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, 
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in!" 

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. 
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. 

"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. 
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. 
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a coffee first and catch up." 

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. 

"Pope Francis," his boss replies. 
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. 
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. 

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. 
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" 
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the heck is that on the balcony with Dave?'

I failed out of magic school because I kept overthinking the test.

I assumed the test was just a series of trick questions.

Hope you laughed,btw these are off of reddit!

Answer 1

Dang these are a lot