Running Chapter 1

+3 votes
35 views
I was just laying in bed when mom came up and said," We need to go to the hostpital your sister is very sick, dad is going to stay." Then I sat up and said," Is she going to be okay if she is staying all week I will visit everyday, but do they have suits and masks so I don't get sick?" Mom sat down on my bed and said," Yes, they do they don't want any germs on her or us and you can visit everyday." I yawned and mom then said," You go to sleep and I will see you tomorrow, ok." I nodded and she left and I went to sleep. The next morning I rushed down the stairs and ate breakfast so I can get to the hostpital to see my sister Miriam. When I was about to leave dad yelled to me and said," Your not going alone let me take you there!" I nodded and went in the front seat of my dads SUV and went to the Childrens hostpital.
asked Dec 5, 2016 in Fiction by (Taurus) SweetieGem (16,270 points)


2 Answers

+1 vote
 
Best answer
Great story! Although, I think you might also could include by starting another paragraph each time a person or being says something For example, instead of saying "We need to go to the hospital your sister is very sick, dad is going to stay." Then I sat up and said "Is she going to be ....." we could say it like this:
I was laying in bed when mom came up.
"We need to go to the hospital. Your sister is very sick." She said.
I sat up. "Is she going to be okay......" I replied.
This could make your stories a lot more better and make more sense. You could also improve on your punctuation and grammar a bit more. Anyways, I think your story is very interesting. It left me on a cliffhanger on the end! :)

By Lou
answered Dec 6, 2016 by ❤☮LouTheLuver☮❤ (136,840 points)
selected Dec 7, 2016 by (Taurus) SweetieGem
thank you I am still learing how to write stories so that is great advice ty
0 votes
Awesome story!
answered Dec 6, 2016 by TylerTheDrummer (55,530 points)

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