All credit goes to V on Khan Academy!
Remember to tell me your favorite joke(s)
1.
Before Marriage:
Boy: Ah at last. I can hardly wait.
Girl: Do you want me to leave?
Boy: No don't even think about it.
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Of Course. Always have and always will.
Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?
Boy: Never. Why are you even asking?
Girl: Will you kiss me?
Boy: Every chance I get.
Girl: Will you hit me?
Boy: Heck no. Are you crazy?
Girl: Can I trust you?
Boy: Yes.
Girl: Darling!
After Marriage: (Read from bottom to top)
2.
John: I just watched this movie. A guy's family gets murdered by this blood thirsty guy, but leaves one of his sons alive, but slightly disabled. Then, the son is kidnapped while at school. The father goes on a crazy journey with a mentally ill women to get his son back.
Fred: Awesome, what movie was it?
John: Finding Nemo.
3.
Two salesmen were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their offer and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result - the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude salesmen were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of the men said: "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."
4.
Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesús is watching you." He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesús is watching you." In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesús is watching me" The parrot replied, "Yes." Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence." The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesús."
5.
A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "*** fish for sale! Get your *** fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them '*** fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local ***." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the *** fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are *** fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the *** fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the *** potatoes!"
6.
There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?" The mommy cow replies, "Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born." The next calf comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?" The mother replies, "Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born." The third baby comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Daisy?" The momma cow again replieds" Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head." The final baby walks over and says, "Duh huh guh nuh!" The momma cow says, "Shut up, Cinderblock."
7.
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Get off the merry-go-round!
8.
Moe: What are you going to give your little brother for Christmas this year?
Joe: I haven’t decided yet.
Moe: What did you give him last year?
Joe: The measles.
